


With you

by Nyala47563746



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: :(, Depression, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Photographer Okumura Eiji
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:36:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27508471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyala47563746/pseuds/Nyala47563746
Summary: He's here again. In this moment. In this memory.And one day he'll do this memory right.One day he'll find Ash again.Eiji is going through time, through fabricated moments trying to find the right way to exist.Its not healthy, and it's not working.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. Loop

**Author's Note:**

> This came to me in a dream,,, so I'm gonna make a few changes but mostly I'm gonna be writing what happened in my dream. This story has the potential to be confusing af so I you have any questions that I can answer (without giving spoilers) I will try to but I'm gonna do an explanation of the story when Im all completely done writing it. Thank you so much!! Also this is a really sad story it's just really sad :(

"Eji..? You drifted off for a second. I need you to stay with me."

Ash lifted his hand to shake the other boys shoulder, which elicited a reaction from Eji. 

"I'm sorry, Ash I didn't mean to do that." 

"But you know that if you leave for too long you won't be here anymore?" 

The black haired boy sighed and nodded his head in agreement. 

They sit in a large round gazebo, made of old wood. It sits in a golden field with tall grass and clear skies. It's Autumn, as the trees that line the field are brilliant shades of yellow and red. A man looms in the distance, smoking a cigarette and faninng his face with his hand. Although the two boys don't seem to care much about him. 

Eji doesn't remember coming to a place like this with Ash, (but theyve been here before.) 

"I'm glad you still think about the details. It makes me happy that you care after everything that's happened." Ash stared at Eji, his green eyes soft and full of emotion. 

"If I don't remember details about things the details would probably disappear." Eji sighed and looked away from Ash, instead turning to the trees that lay closest the them. 

It was humid, and it seemed that water covered the grass and leaves on the trees. occasionally the wind came through and blew all the water collected by the leaves down onto the ground.

"I know you _have_ to remember the details, but you also put care into it.. I can tell you are putting more than the bare minimum effort into it." Ash turned to look the same way Eji did, and stood up on the bench he had been sitting on. 

Ash looked up at him and stood up as well. 

"I don't want to leave yet. I want to stay here with you." Eji turned back to Ash and grabbed Ash's hand before continuing, " I don't like leaving this one. I like being here with you!" 

Ash lifted the hand that Eji held and kissed the back of it. "I know, I know you want to stay here, but I'm not what you need, what you need is out in the rest of it." 

"I don't think I have a choice."

"Eji, you _always_ have a choice. You will _always_ have a choice. I believe in you. I promise that some day you can get what you need, but you can't do that unless you go out there." 

Eji closed his eyes for a moment, working out his options. He looked sad for a moment before reaching around Ash and holding him in a hug. 

"I know that." 

Eji stepped off the gazebo and began to walk down the path into the woods, his hand raising up before disappearing.

He held his hand out in front of him, arm growing tired. Cars on the highway passed him and ignored him. The wind from cars speeding past ruffled his hair and the smell from car exhaust filled the air. A man with an entirely too red face slowed his car but didn't stop. A cigarette hung out his window, but it didn't smell like cigarettes. Perhaps the fumes from the highway were too overwhelming to smell it. 

The man in his car kept going, and Eji stayed still and kept attempting to hitch hike. Nobody would stop for him, and he wondered if it because his appearance was a bit disheveled. There was tape around his wrists and his clothes were a bit torn and dirty. He hoped this wouldn't prevent him from getting travel. 

A car pulled to a stop a few feet ahead of him, and he paced towards it with justified caution. Two girls sat inside, their hair long and black. They looked to be mexican or some ethnicity similar to that(Eji isn't really sure). 

The car is a convertible, however right now the roof of the car was on despite the lovely weather. 

"Where to?" The woman in the driver's seat said. 

They looked to be in their twenties, and by the way they looked he guessed they were sisters. 

"I'd like to go to the bridge." 

He doesn't mind leaving this one. This one is mundane and doesn't interest him in the slightest. 

"Okay, get in." The other girl spoke up, clicking a button to unlock the doors. 

Eji reached for the door handle, opened the door and sat inside the car. 

The inside of the car was a tan color, with leather seats and papers and other trash and items across the floor and seats. A candle shaped air freshener hung off the mirror in the middle, along with a red lanyard with two keys on it. The girl in the passenger seat had a drink, although Eji couldn't see what it was that she was drinking, the styrofoam cup had the design from a popular fast food chain on it. 

The car jolted into movement, and set off towards the bridge. 

Eji can't remember being on the bridge, but now he realizes he's in the train station, which is okay with him, because the bridge is entirely too stressful for him to experience every time. 

He keeps his eyes peeled for Ash, who's here in this one. His heart flutters when he sees golden blonde hair flash across the crowd, and Eji begins to follow him. 

The train is set to leave any second, and people are bunched together trying to find where to go or which train to take. Eji knows that Ash saw him. Eji knows Ash is running from him. 

Ash never willingly sees him. Eji feels like a bother, to run after him like this, when he knows he wasn't meant to. He knows Ash is on the train now, hiding from being seen. 

Eji steps into the train car, and he doesn't see Ash anywhere, but he deeply knows Ash is watching. 

"Ash! Why do you never just tell me it's you? Why do I always have to find you? Why do I have to find you? I _know_ that you're here. _you're always here!_ Why dont you want to see me?"

Eji felt like crying again. He hates having to find him because he _never does._

The train has to leave and he doesn't have a ticket. The people on the train push him off. 

He never sees him. 

He doesn't get to go back this time. (At least not to where he wants to be.)

He's in the store. 

Spices line the walls, seeds and mixes and any kind of flavoring. Cumin, and coriander, and tumeric and basically anything you can think of. 

Why is he in a spice shop?

A man sits behind the counter, flipping lazily through a magazine about home renovation. A younger boy is stocking some of the shelves. He looks to be in his late teens. 

Outside there is a woman perched on the roof of her car. She's wearing a red dress, and her hair is pinned up. 

"I don't want to be here" Eji breaks the rythmic sound of the pages flipping, of spice bottles clinking together as they are put on the shelves, and the air conditioner above the doorway. The man looks up, as if only now noticing Eji there. How did he get inside then? 

"Of course you don't want to be here." 

The one stocking the shelves reached for a box cutter and opened a new box of spices. 

The shelves in the store were full. There wasn't a single thing missing. When had their last customer even come? Why were they stocking shelves that were already full?

"He never stops stocking the shelves, that's why." 

Had he said that last part aloud? 

"Why won't he stop?"

"He can't. It's why he's here. If he stops doing what he has to do for too long he'll disappear, or you'll forget about him."

"Oh." Eji felt awkward standing here, staring at him so instead he turned to look at the shelves that were, honestly overflowing with little bottles of spice. 

"Can i-" Eji began

"You can't leave." The man behind the counter cut him off without looking up from his magazine.

"Why can't I leave?" 

"You don't want to leave."

Eji was confused by this, but didn't feel like asking more about it. He was already tired of doing this. Because he always left in the end. 

The woman in the red dress stood up and got in her car, which was white. Eji assumed it to be because of the heat outside. 

A crash rang across the store, and the man behind the counter still hadn't looked up from his magazine. Eji looked at him for a moment before deciding to investigate. So many bottles had been put on the shelf that it collapsed and fell off. Instead of cleaning up the bottles that had been smashed on the floor he picked the shelf back up and continued putting bottles onto it. 

Eji noticed that the entire floor was covered in broken glass and spices at that moment. 

"How long has it been?" Eji asked

"Since what?" The man behind the counter asked him in return

"Since he started stocking the shelves."

"He started stocking the shelves when you got here." 

"When did I get here?" 

"Eji.. you're the only one who could answer that." 

Eji walked across the shop, through piles of glass and powder, and stopped at the entrance. 

"I'm leaving now" he said, with complete intent and confidence. 

"You can't leave." The man behind Eji reiterated. 

Eji turned around to face the man, who was once behind the counter but now stood a few feet from his back. 

The boy had stopped stocking the shelves. 

They grabbed him and forced him to sit in a chair, tying his wrists down with duct tape. Eji screamed, shouted, and did everything he could to fight the two. 

The box cutter the boy had earlier ripped through Ejis sweater, causing a big hole in it. 

" That's just a warning. I told you. _you can't leave._ "

"Dont I always have an option?" Hadn't Ash told him that he always had a choice? 

"Not here. Not in this one" the man went back behind the counter and picked his magazine up. The boy returned to the shelves. 

The woman in the red dress watched from her car. 


	2. Wreck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming to chapter 2 :)

Eiji was stuck in the chair until morning. The blazing heat grew into a hazy golden which fell into night. At some point, morning came. Eiji didn't sleep the whole night. Between the occasional flip of the magazine paper, and the loud crash of the shelves falling every so often, he didn't think he could even try to sleep. 

When the man reached the end of his magazine, he sighed, and started again at the beginning. When the shelves ran out of space and collapsed the boy would sigh and put it back up. 

Eiji wondered if they cared. 

"When can I leave?"

"You can't leave. You don't want to leave."

"Of course I want to leave! I want to continue on!"

"Going out of here isn't going to let you continue on." The man lifted his head from his magazine, the first time since they had been speaking. 

"What do you mean by that?" Eiji asked.

"You want to leave? Then leave. But you're gonna end up back here anyways. You always end up here. Because you don't want to leave. And I'm not talking about just leaving here. I'm talking about leaving everything. But you're not ready for that conversation"

"What do you mean? I can't leave you won't let me!" Eiji struggled against his restraints.

"You're the one that's in control here. You know that. You've just chosen to not have a choice. Because you know that leaving would mean being here again, and being everywhere else again."

The shelf smashed down again, and the boy robotically picked the shelf back up and opened another box.

"I cant just stay here."Eiji protested yet again.

"And you think that we are so crazy, doing the same thing over and over again." The man looked back down onto his magazine. The page was about the top ten best throw pillow colors. 

The white car outside started and drove away.

"Let me out of my restraints. Cut the tape on my wrists off, I'm tied to this chair" Eiji's voice was firm and resolved.

"But you know that you never were." 

Eiji looked down and saw that the duct tape around his wrists was only around his wrists, and had never been wrapped around the arm of the chair. The man behind the counter looked up and stared at the boy stocking the shelves, and in turn the boy looked back at him. 

"Don't forget the details, or they won't exist anymore."

Eiji stood up and left the shop. 

He held his hand out in front of him, arm growing tired. Cars on the highway passed him and ignored him. The wind from cars speeding past ruffled his hair and the smell from car exhaust filled the air. A man with an entirely too red face slowed his car but didn't stop. A cigarette hung out his window, but it didn't smell like cigarettes. Perhaps the fumes from the highway were too overwhelming to smell it. 

The man in his car kept going, and Eji stayed still and kept attempting to hitch hike. Nobody would stop for him, and he wondered if it because his appearance was a bit disheveled. There was tape around his wrists and his clothes were a bit torn and dirty. He hoped this wouldn't prevent him from getting travel. 

A car pulled to a stop a few feet ahead of him, and he paced towards it with justified caution. Two girls sat inside, their hair long and black. They looked to be mexican or some ethnicity similar to that(Eji isn't really sure). 

The car is a convertible, however right now the roof of the car was on despite the lovely weather. 

"Where to?" The woman in the driver's seat said.

"I'd like to go to the bridge." 

"Get out."

Eiji stared at the two women in the car, who looked back at him confused.

"This is my car!? You can't just take it!" She reached down to roll the window back up.

"Im the one in control here. Get out" 

Why was he acting like this? What was he doing this for? 

Both girls stepped outside of the car, and Eiji stepped in. 

He put the roof down. (It was a lovely day after all)

He went to the bridge.

And maybe it would have been better to stay in that shop. Maybe he should have just let them drive the car. ~~Maybe he should~~ ~~have walked into the road.~~

Theres been a car crash on the bridge. Three cars were involved. A red car, a grey car and a white car. 

There's a man performing CPR on a woman in the road. There's a woman watching from nearby. She's wearing a red dress. 

The grey cars windshield is smashed in. The man inside is slumped across his steering wheel. 

They all turn to stare at Eiji as he passes. 

The man performing CPR on the woman is pushing up and down on her rib cage, her bones loudly breaking. He won't stop pushing on her heart. 

Eiji wonders if he cares about her. 

He's at the train station again. He can't remember which train car Ash goes into. He can't think about anything anymore. 

"Dontforgetthedetailsortheywontexistanymore."

"Eiji.. you can't keep doing this."

Ash looked at him and gave him a sad smile.

"It hurts to see you come back here. Eiji... I know you're trying hard to get to me but this is too much. How many times have you even gone through this?"

"I don't know anymore. Too many to count?" Eiji stared at the floor of the gazebo. 

"You know that there's not gonna be a different outcome if you keep going as you are. You can't remember every detail every single time. How long until you forget something important? Or haven't you already?" Ash asked him softly.

"I just want... To see you again"

"But you know that you can't?"

"I know that I can't" Eiji repeated. 

Ash stood up. "So you've chosen to try again?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry Ash, I want to stay with you. I'm gonna go away again." Eiji stood up too.

"I'll see you again then. Don't forget."

"Okay." Eiji stood up and left, passing by the man holding a cigarette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyways I've had this in my head all day so I wrote another chapter... It's gotten deeper and more complicated the more I think about it .. I'm gonna have an explanation for everything. I'm still honestly figuring out things for this story. I literally wrote the first chapter withing two hours of waking up from the dream that this whole this is based on. I'm a Trainwreck..... I hope you like this chapter!!

**Author's Note:**

> alsO I JUST REALIZED AFTER I WROTE THE ENTIRE THING THAT HIS NAME IS EIJI AND NOT EJI dw gang next chapter I'm gonna spell it right Im too tired to fix it I'm so sorry :( also uhhhh yeah this kinda doenst have much to do with banana fish itself but actually! When I dreamed about it it was with ash and eiji so yeah uh that's what I'm doing. It's all gonna come together don't worry and thanks for reading!!! Thank you!!! Have a good day/night!


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